Our Miscarriage Story

2019 started as a nice year full of  hope, but I have to say that it has been the hardest year of my life for me and Ruben. I am completely grateful that we never left each others side and even in the middle of the confusion and pain never stopped praying and searching for God.

In late April we found out our baby was on the way, due December 22.

From the moment we found out we were expecting this baby had our heart, we were overjoyed to say the least. We were trying for quite some time and I had lost hopes in being a mom. Never the less we never stopped praying and believing. Once we found out we were expecting we were thankful because our prayers had finally been answered. In the beginning we shared the news with our families and a few closer friends, and we eventually shared the news with everyone at of sheer excitement. Slowly we started to plan for our little family of three.

Looking back, I don't regret rejoicing. It's who I am. We savored every moment we prayed over my belly every night and every morning before I drove to work. And at the end of the day I knew our baby heard the voices of loving and devoted parents. I was 12 weeks pregnant when we heard the news that my baby had passed away at 9 weeks and did not continue on growing, my body had a "missed miscarriage: When the baby's heart beat stops beating, but your body does not recognize the loss and yet had to be miscarried." I wont go into detail about this experience as it's deeply personal. But I will say that it was traumatic and tore our hearts into pieces... I will never forget the sorrow, the pain I felt the moment the technician told me that there was no heart beat and that my baby looked smaller than expected. How I slowly felt my heart sink into my stomach, I couldn't breath but I could feel my body shaking. The pain wasn't just emotional but it was physical. I never felt so much confusion and pain at the same time.

Disbelief washed over me as a thought, I never imagined this would be our story.  I could not imagine parting with this little soul, for whom I already felt completely responsible. The following days of passing the baby were the hardest days of my life, unbearable without the support of my family and the abiding presence of Jesus. The loss of our baby brought me and Ruben closer to each other and closer to God, we put our sorrow and future hopes in God's hands. In the middle of the pain we did not know who else to run to but Jesus.

The loss of our child taught me many lessons. There are things I will never say to another couple, ways I will never attempt to rush someone's grief, and a new depth to my walk with the Lord I will never replace. I would never wish this type of pain on anyone else, but I can truly say I am better for it. It has taken me a while to get there.

When our baby went to heaven. I had never been so angry, so filled with doubt, so ready to cave into my pain, but in the darkness the lord carried me. In the middle our pain and confusion I could not do anything but look to God. And there in this search I was able to welcome other's who have had the same pain and experienced the same loss.

Ruben and I are growing stronger by the minute, and still learning new lessons everyday. Our marriage feels stronger than ever before.

Thanks to everyone who showed encouragement, love and support, and for the countless prayers. Those prayers carried us in our loneliest  moments. I am forever grateful to our families and  friends. Thank you so much for the love, we will not forget how you walked with us.

Thank you for reading about our journey. I am at peace, for I know this is not how our story ends.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:22-24